The Enforcer

Sunday night

I had some sort of a management position at a college, and happened to overhear a male graduate student say, in an offhand way, that he had cheated on his final pre-graduation exam. It was my responsibility to lay down the law. I pulled up a chair, faced him in his, and informed him that he had rendered his entire college career null and void. He seemed disgusted, but with me, not his own actions, and said, Give me a break!" He didn't think what he had done was all that serious, or even out of the ordinary. I said, "Hey, I've cheated before, and I've lied to my parents, but you learn [that it's not the thing to do]."

*****

I suppose that I did teach myself to lie when I was young, mainly as a way to avoid getting in trouble, or yelled at, or maybe as a way to avoid hurting others' feelings. It became almost reflexive -- "My report card? Uh, well, they did hand them out, but they didn't give me mine because I have an overdue book at the library, and I don't know where it is." I didn't lie all the time, but developed a bad habit -- again, to avoid being yelled at -- of telling people what they wanted to hear, as opposed to the truth, particularly over the phone. "Have you taken the trash out yet?" Sure I have! This habit was hard to un-learn, and carried over into my work-life, particularly when I had hard-ass bosses that scared me. "That project? Oh, it's just-about done." (I hadn't started it yet.) The "little lie" can become so ingrained, so much of a daily habit, that one doesn't even think of it anymore. I suppose that few guys will truthfully answer when a wife asks, "Do I look fat in this outfit?" but clothing issues aside, I learned that what my wife expects from me, more than anything else, is honesty. That means that I need to tell her the truth even when I know that she won't like it, and that I, in turn, won't like the response. It's still better than the reflexive lie. I suppose that it doesn't make any difference, but I'd like to point out that I would only lie to my wife about the most idiotic things, after procrastinating and not doing the chores that I'd agreed to do. It's not like I was lying about having a harem on the side, or something. Anyway, so that's my screed about lying. I'm sure that I taught myself to lie when I was very young, out of fear. I don't need to fear my spouse. A marriage should be quite the opposite thing entirely. That's a simple thought, but it took me years to learn it.

Now, as for cheating: I suppose that I shouldn't see lying and cheating as two completely separate things, but I do. Right or wrong, I assume that almost everyone lies from time to time, at least to get themselves out of hot water. But to me, cheating has always seemed to be a mark of the truly screwed-up person; particularly adults who cheat. And I'm not talking about cheating in the adultery sense of the word; I'm talking about cheating at board games, and card games; cheating when it really should not matter. I've caught one adult friend, a woman, cheating at Trivial Pursuit -- she turned the card over and whispered the answers to her teammate -- she also made very public bets and refused to pay when she was wrong. I've also known one guy in the 21-year history of our poker tournament who knowingly cheated by staying in match-the-pot games when he didn't have enough money to cover his loss if he had been beaten. (He admitted this later.) He doesn't play with us any more. Again, maybe I shouldn't draw such a distinction between the liar and the cheater, but I truly see the adult cheater as a pathetic person -- one to be pitied but loathed. (Can you pity and loathe someone at the same time? Probably not. OK, just loathed.) My friend Preston often refers to "the sanctity of the game," no matter what we're playing -- Monopoly, tennis, what have you. He jokes about it, but he's serious, too, and I'm on his wavelength. I don't want to play with anyone who needs to win so badly that he or she will do anything in order to make himself or herself look good. To me that's a sign of a deep flaw, and a sign of a person to be avoided. And I worry sometimes, because I catch my nieces and nephews cheating at games every now and then. One claims that her baseball team has 2 outs when she knows full well that they've had 3; another tries to distract people who have landed on his space in Monopoly, and takes wads of other players' cash when they are not looking. My wife thinks that this is a natural byproduct of growing up in a very competitive family of 8 children, and that they will grow out of it. I hope so. It's definitely uncool.

I can't ever remember purposefully cheating at a game. I'm sure that I must have, long ago, but I don't remember. I determined when I was very young that there's no honor and there's fun in winning if you cheat. The fun comes from honest competition. Otherwise, what's the point?

*****

May 2008 Dream Roundup

Family and Friends:

My wife
My father-in-law (he was played by actor Seymour Cassell in "Bad Vacation")
Andrew C.
Barbara S.
Brent L. (sent gifts to Denis G.'s family in "R.I.P.")
Dad C.
Dawn C. (she had made the Xmas stockings in "Bad Christmas")
Denis G.
Eddie M.
Edie S.
Gordon S.
Jarratt S.
Jim B.
Jimmie C.
Linda S.
Mandy H.
Mike K.
Mom C.
Preston W.
Scotty S.
"Sis" (Dad's sister; my aunt)
Stacy L. (sent gifts to Denis G.'s family in "R.I.P.")

Acquaintances & coworkers:

Jason E.
Jennie S.
Jessica M.
Maliha M.

Celebrities:

Bono
Carl Childers (I owned a "Carl suit" in "Christmas with Carl")
Charles Dana Gibson (trees in "Memory Garden" resembled his art)
Frank Sinatra
George Harrision
Harrison Ford
Indiana Jones (that was the movie playing in "Torn")
Julia Roberts
Mick Jagger (I spoke of my friendship with him in "Mentor")
Nat King Cole
The Pretenders
Seymour Cassell (he played my father-in-law in "Bad Vacation")
Ted Cassidy
Tim Burton
The Washington Redskins
Willie Mays